On The Edge

It feels like sitting in a rollercoaster car slowly creeping to the apex of the ride. You see the world around you at a snail's pace, but your heart is racing 100 miles an hour. The anxiety builds from the pit if your stomach because you know what's going to happen, but you're not exactly there yet. You want to close your eyes because you don't want to see what's in front of you, but you keep it open because you want to see what's in front of you. The clicking to the top gets louder and louder. Then you're there..... at the top of the highest point of the rollercoaster. The car pauses for a few seconds, so you take in your last breathe and hold on for dear life. You feel the car move.... now you shut your eyes in anticipation of the drop.... but nothing. It was only a small drop.... but the pre-drop that you know will lead to the fast downward descend into the scary abyss.

That's exactly where I'm at in life right now, at the edge of an adventure. It's like playing teetter-totter at the top of a rollercoaster. It's exciting, but along with that excitement is a whole new level of anxiety. This is all new to me. My life is at the edge of a breakthrough, but the anticipation of it happening is torturous. How do you quiet the voices in your head that are screaming at you to "make things happen already." Breathing helps, but only when you're focused on it.... then the screams come back. Yoga helps, but after you wipe down all the sweat the anxiety finds its way back into your head. Running - forget about it... that's when the voices are the loudest.

I've never felt so vulnerable in my entire life. Happy activities aren't as exciting and challenges feel impossible to overcome. Emotions are heightened and I feel too sensitive to just about everything. Everything feels so intensified when you're sitting at the edge of something great. I know what I want, but I'm not there yet. My dreams are bigger than ever, but I can't seem to focus on how to make them a reality. EVERYTHING so simple feels overwhelming. Sometimes I want to just sleep through this process and wake up to where I really want to be, but I understand.... patience is virtue.

I get it, we have to go through the process and trust it. We have to experience the journey to the top so we can "enjoy the ride." Yes, God has a plan.... but is it too much to ask for the plan to go a little faster? The sleepless nights and never ending battles from within make the process a little more difficult to trust. I feel helpless and defeated. I dig down to find the strength to get through the day, but I'm always somehow reminded of where I'm at right now and that I'm not there yet.

Trying to escape the reality that you're currently living in doesn't help either.... it will only slow down the process even more. Even though your body wants to avoid everything, you know that's not the answer. Sitting still is hard when you know there's so much more to be done, but at the same time you have to sit still and allow for things to take its course. Your mind races with thoughts and ideas and worries that never use to exist.

By all means, I'm not complaining. I know I have a lot to be grateful for right now.... but success is in my field of vision. I can see it vividly... it's like riding in a plane and seeing the beautiful beaches on the descent for touchdown. You ache to feel the warm sun and sandy beach.... you see it, but you can't be in it yet.... because you have to land safely first.

When you know you're done...

Well, here we go again. Round 3.The sad part is that I believed in you this time. I had nothing left but to rebuild that trust I had with you. The trust that you originally smashed to pieces for me. You told me I was the one giving up, but despite my intuition, I still gave it a chance. I still allowed you in my life. You challenged me by telling me that I'm the one walking away and giving up on this, but let's face it... what am I really giving up? Another friend? Someone to help me with the daily grind? Someone who can afford to buy me a fancy laptop? Is that what I'm really sacrificing from "walking away"? BUT of course... like a trooper, I stuck around for another round. Who are you to tell me that I'm the one giving up. Dumb.Friendships come and go, but I've never had one cut me this deep.The first time, was heartbreaking and I'm not going to lie, it shook me to the core. The second time was the most painful. This time, I'm not surprised.Sadly I'm not surprised. I've told you before that there are consequences to your actions, you felt threatened. Why though? Because you're not getting your cake and eating it too? If this friendship is something that you say you care about, then prove it.This time around - I can't even cry about it anymore, because I knew that if I came back for another round, it would be my choosing. I knew that I would have to deal with whatever happens because I chose my destiny. Well, that's it. I'm done.I'm done with the lies.I'm done with feeling insecure.I'm done with the bullshit that you feed me.I'm done with someone who blatantly doesn't care about my feelings.When someone tells you that you're the one who changed their life... but they continue to  "unknowingly" hurt you... GET OUT! Actions speak louder than words. I repeat... ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.I'm not sure if this is even salvageable anymore to be honest. I have no more tears left to cry, so that must mean something. What sucks is that things just fall in my lap, like the universe is telling me something but I chose to ignore. Well, universe... you win.And for the record, I didn't give up.... you lied.

Being a Badass

I was recently tested. I went all in brave and courageous only to be shoved down with my face in the ground.The only thought I had in my mind was: "Fuck, what now?"When faced with adversity, you to have somehow get your shit together and try again. If there is something that means the world to you, then don't give up. KEEP GOING. The worse thing you can do is stop and walk away just because it failed. Maybe you need some time away from the situation to regroup... but whatever you do and no matter what happens, if this is something you want... NEVER GIVE UP.Life is too short and you can't stop fighting for what you believe in. After failure, you will not be the same person anymore. You will become a stronger, more powerful version of YOU. Being a BADASS doesn't mean you cower and walk away from anguish, it means you are able to get back up and fight.Getting pushed into a corner doesn't mean it's the end of the world, it means you need to regroup and re-strategize your game plan. Everything happens for a reason, falls are there to strengthen you and re-direct you into the right path.Be a BADASS, wipe the dirt off your face and go back at it again.