Happy Birthday, Angelo!

Nino’s birthday was on Thursday. I knew leading up to that day it might conjure up some feelings of grief, so I allowed myself to just feel whatever feels came up. It’s been over a year, but when you cry about the person you’ve lost, it really does feel like it’s that day all over again. It sounds so cliche, but it’s so true. I may not cry as hard sometimes because I’m kind of use to that feeling, but the feelings are still strong and the pain is still so real.

I did feel a little anger, but when I recognized it, I did not allow it to be taken out on other people. I really hate that I have to monitor myself like this, but it’s best to understand where that anger is coming from then allowing it to just go on a free for all and ruin everything around you.

I know you can probably see what I’m going through these days, but I wish I can just talk to you about it and hear you say, “it’s ok Pats, you’re one of the strongest people I know. You’ll get through this too just like everything else you’ve been through.” I mean I know I can always tell myself that but if I heard it from you, even if it was just a dream it would make me feel better.

There are days like your birthday when I cry for you and then your death reminds me of Mama’s death and I’m a mess all over again. I’m so glad I spent as much time as I did with Mama. It was always nice to make her laugh or smile because she was always so grumpy and mad about something or someone. When the entire family gets together, it’s a little more peaceful because all the loud ones have quieted down, but there’s also this sense of pain and grief that no one really likes to talk about, but we all know it’s there. It’s like we all just know and we’re doing our best to just keep moving forward and we are still all sticking together like glue because it’s just comforting.

I hope you had a good birthday Nin.