So this is griEf

This by far is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with in my life. I look forward to the moments like this, where I feel absolutely nothing. The numbing feeling is welcomed with open arms. Today, or yesterday rather, was the first time I was able to just lay in bed. As hard as I tried, I could not sleep. For some reason my body won’t allow me to sleep. Father Roger called and advised me not to think about it, but honestly, there’s nothing running through my mind. My body feels so heavy that even the slightest lifting of a finger feels laborious. All I can do is lay in bed and make sure that I’m breathing normal. 

Yesterday Nin, was the first time I really cried. The pain came deep from my soul and it was so uncontrollable, it scared me. I’m not one to be afraid to feel my emotions, but this one was scary because I knew once I let it out, I wouldn’t know how to stop it - and I couldn’t. When I was crying, all I kept thinking was why. Why would you do this to us? Why would you do this to yourself? You know we loved you. You know you have people to talk to and take care of you, so why?? I fear that I will live the rest of my life never knowing. If how I felt crying is how you were feeling, then I get it - because in between sobs I truly felt the pain and loneliness, and for a moment I didn’t want to be alive either. 

Everyone who’s lost someone significant keep telling me the grief comes and goes in waves. These aren’t the waves I wanted to catch with you. I have so much to look forward to right now and again I’m trying to dig deep inside my soul for strength, but I can’t find any right now. I feel so broken. This is the first time I’ve ever really felt my soul and it’s deeply saddened right now. How do I move through this? Where do I find the strength from? Dad keeps telling me to pray, but the pain is so overwhelming, it’s hard to talk. I just want to be tired and go to sleep, but right now it feels impossible.